I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
