I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
