I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Randomize
