I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
my poor anus
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Randomize
