i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
