I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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