I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
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