her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
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