FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
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