i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
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