She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Randomize
