If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
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