You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
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