I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
The uberlube is also flammable
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
