Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Randomize
