What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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