she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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