Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
My ATM looks so different sober.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Randomize