Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Randomize
