Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Randomize
