You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
