you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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