For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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