I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
You are the jesus of drinking
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Randomize
