Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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