just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Randomize