She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
