____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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