Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
