I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
