I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
