I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Randomize
