I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
i just made my gag reflex go away.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Randomize
