alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
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