They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
