her vagina looked like bernie madoff
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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