mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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