is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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