somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Randomize