When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize