I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Even my vagina gasped.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
