I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Randomize