Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
