hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I'm too high and old for this...
Randomize
