I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
