I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
