I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize