Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
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