I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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