What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
