My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
