I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
