i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
