Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Randomize
