Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
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