Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
