Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
My dick has a subreddit
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
