Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Randomize
