he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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