Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
