I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
