I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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