why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
