Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
