what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
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