Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
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