Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
