i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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