I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
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