last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
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