i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Randomize
